


sit on the porch and stare at my demons with me

by Swiggity_swydra_fuck_hydra (Haych_Aych_Ach)



Series: Everything is M/F femslash and nothing hurts [3]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Punisher (Comics)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, fem! mattie and foggy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:10:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haych_Aych_Ach/pseuds/Swiggity_swydra_fuck_hydra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mattie has two conversations about Stick; one with her friends, and one with Foggy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sit on the porch and stare at my demons with me

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for both mentions of hypothetical graphic violence and for mentions of past child abuse, both physical and sexual.
> 
> Disclaimer: the actions characters take in this story, the things they are into, and how they behave is not a reflection on the author or commenter/reader's own beliefs, interests, morals, personality, etc. Fiction is fiction. What some characters like to do and what they think is right is not necessarily correlating with reality or truth, etc.

It's a nice late night and they're sitting in the living room. Mattie is staying at their house for the summer so she never, ever has to go back to St Agnes's. Lisa is asleep against Frank's stomach, and Mattie's slowly sipping at her beer and sharing the bowl of dried cherries and roasted, salted almonds with Maria.

They've been talking for a few hours, mostly sharing stories and offering advice. Maria is fascinated by Mattie's Catholicism--Frank was raised Catholic but Mattie is fully aware that he believes less in religion than just about anything else--and they finally know each other well enough that she feels comfortable talking about it, and unlike with Foggy (who loves Mattie and is respectful but  _does not get_ how much it can mean to a person), talking religion with Maria feels good. She herself is an eclectic mix of beliefs--paganism and Wicca and bits and pieces of what she likes to call 'shotgun Christian'--and it's interesting to see where they diverge and where they meet.

It's right as Maria says, "And hey, that reminds me--tomorrow night I want to go out and get Lisa her first ice-cream sundae with Frank, and would you like to come? I know ice cream upsets you--would being around her while she's eating it also upset you?"

Mattie pauses, and swigs back more of the bottle. "I--I can't," she mutters finally. She could try, but all she'd do was shake and go very still and very dissociated and angry and end up lost in a bar somewhere getting into a fight, and she can't jeopardize her Columbia scholarship or come back bruised and bloody and make Lisa feel bad. She'd just blame herself. That's what kids do.

"Okay," Maria says.

"Make sure she knows it's not because I don't like her," Mattie blurts out. It's important. "It's not--it's not her fault."

"I know. I'll make sure she knows too," Maria says, soft and calm.

Mattie rubs her thumb on the beer. Her face feels hot; her fists want to clench.

"I hate this," she says after a second. "I  _fucking_ \--I'm sorry. I hate this. I hate that I can't go with her and be around someone because they're eating fucking ice cream, this is so stupid," and she leans forward, her face in her hands. She takes five deep breaths, and forces herself to listen to Frank and Maria and Lisa's heartbeats for a minute. They sound--concerned, a little worried, not angry and not scared.

"Sorry," she says and sits back up. "Didn't mean to ruin the mood."

"No, it's fine," Maria says gently. "You don't have to be able to do everything, you know? God knows there's things I can't have around me."

"It's not  _fine_ , by definition it's not fine," she snaps without thinking, low rage rising up in her

(Caitlyn says that anger is easier to feel than sadness, grief, embarrassment)

"It's not fine that some asshole molested me and then gets to fuck me up even after then for  _years_ , it's not fine that I can't eat or smell or be around people eating ice-cream because it freaks me the fuck out, it's not fine that my girlfriend has to brush her teeth before she  _kisses me_ when she eats it, it's not  _fine_ , it's fucked-up and I fucking hate it," Mattie says in a low snarl and then, once she realizes what she's said she's grabbing her beer and standing up hastily.

"Mattie?"

"I'm sorry," she blurts out, "I'm sorry, I'll leave right away, I'm sorry--"

"What are you talking about?" Maria sounds baffled. "Mattie, you don't have to leave."

Mattie stops. "I..don't?" But--

"You don't," Frank says. He's quiet most of the time. "Unless you want to."

Mattie pauses, and takes stock of her body. Her heartbeat is fast, her head is light, and her limbs feel cold like she's about to get in a fight or go for a long run. "I'm sorry," she says again. "I didn't--I didn't mean to, to, say that, I don't talk about it, I swear I'd never hurt Lisa--"

"I know," Maria says mildly. "If I thought you had or would hurt her, you would be in an undisclosed location for an indefinite period of time."

"Multiple undisclosed locations," Frank murmurs, patting Lisa, who is mercifully still asleep. "And in very small pieces."

Mattie shakes, and then stops. There's something strangely comforting about the idea that even if she were terrible, she wouldn't be allowed to hurt anybody. "I'm sorry, I just--most people think that, that, once you--once it happens to you then you do it to other people," she says and realizes it's the alcohol. This is why she doesn't drink.

"That idea is a myth," Maria says firmly. "Now if you need some space, I understand, but otherwise I'd like it if you could sit down, Mattie."

Mattie sits.

"Thank you. Now let me clarify: I'm sorry that you said something by accident, but I do want you to know that you don't have to leave and I don't think you're in any danger of hurting my daughter. I wouldn't let you around her if I did think that, and you haven't, have you?"

Mattie shakes her head violently, so hard it spins. " _Never_ ," she says fervently.

"Good. Then the next thing is that I want you to be sure that this is your business and neither of us will ever spread it around, alright? And if you want whoever it was that made you scared of ice cream also to end up in multiple undisclosed locations and very small pieces, all you have to do is say something." Maria sounds like she does whenever she makes a promise; her heartbeat is steady and only a little faster than normal.

"I could get fiberglass from a friend," Frank says softly. "There wouldn't be a body to be found."

Mattie shivers. "Please stop," she says without thinking.

"Alright," Maria says, and leans back. "Now, do you want to talk about dinners for the week? I was thinking maybe a make-your-own-pizza thing for Monday, how do you feel about that?"

* * *

 

They never, ever bring it up again. There are no allusions, no innuendo, no jokes. Neither of them ask for details and neither of them seem in the slightest bit suspicious of her; Maria cheerfully hands over Lisa for babysitting the next morning as she goes into work (she works from home in the afternoons) and Frank lets Mattie be alone with her just the same as before.

Mattie mentions it a couple of times--never by name, but just absence. "I don't want to watch that show, because of...you know." "Is it possible for there to be a different dessert because of...you know?"

And they don't push. It's magical. Caitlyn, her therapist, says that Mattie's reaction was normal and that her friends were good for dropping the subject when she wanted. Mattie still feels uncomfortable when she remembers that two more people  _know_ , but the longer they don't treat her like she's fragile or contaminated, the less she wants to run away and never talk to them again.

And she never gives into the urge. Stick ruined  _ice cream_ for her. He doesn't get to make sure she doesn't have fucking  _friends_.

* * *

 

Foggy's curled up next to her, and they've just had sex, which often makes Mattie think about  _it_. She doesn't want to, but it's an association nonetheless.

Tonight was a good night. Mattie's brain stayed firmly anchored to the present and she came with what on her is a passionate scream, and she collapses back onto Foggy's bed and scratchy sheets with a grin on her face and her hand holding Foggy's as they move Peggy the teddy bear out of the way. 

"Foggy?" she says after a couple of minutes.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I...once, when I was drunk, I told Frank and Maria about... _it_ ," Mattie says, "And..they offered to kill him. Um. Stick, for me. Like you do sometimes."

Foggy hums softly. "And?"

"I don't..." Mattie takes a deep breath. "I don't want people to keep doing that, okay?"

Foggy sounds confused. "...why?"

"Because I don't like hearing about people getting  _murdered_ ," Mattie says, and rubs a hand over her eyes. "I don't want to think about you or Frank or Maria going to fucking  _prison_ for torturing somebody to death and having it be because of  _me_. God. I don't think that's unreasonable."

"Hey--" Foggy sounds annoyed, but Mattie's face must be showing something, because her voice softens. "Oh. This really upsets you, doesn't it?"

Mattie nods. 

"Oh. I'm sorry, baby," Foggy says, and pulls Mattie's hand up to her mouth, kissing it. "I didn't realize. I thought you--it's supposed to be supportive. Like a protectiveness sort of thing."

Mattie frowns. "It's not protective. It's creepy. And besides, I'm the one who's supposed to protect you from shit like this."

There's a horrible silence for a second, and Foggy sounds strained when she says, "Well, I'll stop saying it, okay?"

"Okay," Mattie says, and curls over into Foggy's body. "Can we not fight about this and just stay here for a while?"

"Of course," Foggy says, and throws an arm over Mattie. "I love you." 

"Love you too."


End file.
